Steve Brookstein Blog: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Simon Cowell!

15:51 23 November 2012

Simon Cowell  File picture: PA

Simon Cowell File picture: PA

Archant

Simon Cowell can’t be a happy captain. The X Factor USA is sinking. However, it still might be a while before it finally goes down.

There’s plenty of car crash TV left in those old sea legs. (Maybe I should have said, “shipwreck TV” as I’m going with a nautical themed blog. Well, except for the title. “X Factor –All At Sea” was my first choice but Great Pumpkin just made me laugh.)

Last year Simon said, “Anything less than 20 million viewers would be a disappointment”. Yet, the first series never went much above 12 million and so far this year it is regularly slipping under 8 million viewers.

It is no longer competing with the other talent shows, The Voice or Idol, but instead it is losing out to re-runs of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” and “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.”

You can understand his desire to sail back to Old Blighty where he is still loved.

Despite being the first to jump ship in 2010, charismatic Cowell is now returning to the UK to save ITV’s Costa Concordia.

Captain Cowell will need to take drastic action if he is to salvage this stricken cruise ship and in the panic a few judges will be lost.

Young Tulisa will be the first victim to be accidently on purpose pushed overboard. Smoking, sex tapes and blaming the public for voting is unacceptable behaviour for any of Cowell’s crew.

Nice Gary Barlow who was responsible for bringing us Frankie Cocozza will sneak into a lifeboat and will escape unscathed, just as long as he can resist the temptation of calling any of the women or children “fag breath”.

Louis is going nowhere. He’ll still be sitting on the deck listening to Jedward as the lights go out.

There will be an inquiry as to who is to blame for the show hitting the rocks and luckily for Cowell, Christopher Maloney will be lost at sea and unable to testify.

Cowell will say sorry to the public for losing their trust (again) and he will pray that they believe him again. But one thing is for certain; this is one captain who won’t go down with his ship. Follow @stevebrookie

See Steve Wednesday 28th November at The St James Theatre Studio Booking: 0844 264 2140

Win dinner for two at the show by clicking the link below.

Related articles

Sign up for our news alerts today!

Our editors' picks for the day's top news delivered to your inbox or phone.

Sign up for email alerts Sign up for mobile alerts
1
2 3 4 5 6
7

Latest Stories from SNAP.PA

We look at the big names in the world of sport, music, fashion, TV and film that most influence these islands.

Read more

Paul Bettany has said playing an on-screen character in the latest Marvel film means working harder than when he was simply providing a voice.

Read more

Emmerdale’s Ryan Hawley thinks Robert Sugden’s feelings for Aaron Livesy are purely superficial.

Read more

Promoted content

Established in 1987, Tucci is one of the North's premier stores for branded clothing, footwear and accessories.

Save up to 70% on designer brands for Men and Women, including G-Star, Diesel, French Connection, Firetrap and many more….our sale is now on.

[Photo by Evening Standard/Getty Images]

It’s the new year and you’re looking forward to booking your summer holidays - but how do sunny getaways change when you’ve got children?

Top Stories

Quizzes

Adrian Chiles is no longer ITV's main man... so why not test your knowledge of some of his (and others') greatest gaffes? (Photo by Mike Hewitt/Getty Images)

With news of presenter Adrian Chiles’ sacking by ITV, it’s a good time to remember some of the most memorable punditry blunders.

Read more
[Image by Gary Tallowin]

In which we remember the stations that have gone before...

Read more
£50million Fernando Torres and former Fulham striker Kostas Mitroglous are two of the biggest transfer flops in recent Premier League history

The transfer window is a time for optimisim, but it doesn’t always work out for the best...

Read more