Steve Brookstein Blog: It’s The Great Pumpkin, Simon Cowell!

15:51 23 November 2012

Simon Cowell  File picture: PA

Simon Cowell File picture: PA

Archant

Simon Cowell can’t be a happy captain. The X Factor USA is sinking. However, it still might be a while before it finally goes down.

There’s plenty of car crash TV left in those old sea legs. (Maybe I should have said, “shipwreck TV” as I’m going with a nautical themed blog. Well, except for the title. “X Factor –All At Sea” was my first choice but Great Pumpkin just made me laugh.)

Last year Simon said, “Anything less than 20 million viewers would be a disappointment”. Yet, the first series never went much above 12 million and so far this year it is regularly slipping under 8 million viewers.

It is no longer competing with the other talent shows, The Voice or Idol, but instead it is losing out to re-runs of “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” and “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.”

You can understand his desire to sail back to Old Blighty where he is still loved.

Despite being the first to jump ship in 2010, charismatic Cowell is now returning to the UK to save ITV’s Costa Concordia.

Captain Cowell will need to take drastic action if he is to salvage this stricken cruise ship and in the panic a few judges will be lost.

Young Tulisa will be the first victim to be accidently on purpose pushed overboard. Smoking, sex tapes and blaming the public for voting is unacceptable behaviour for any of Cowell’s crew.

Nice Gary Barlow who was responsible for bringing us Frankie Cocozza will sneak into a lifeboat and will escape unscathed, just as long as he can resist the temptation of calling any of the women or children “fag breath”.

Louis is going nowhere. He’ll still be sitting on the deck listening to Jedward as the lights go out.

There will be an inquiry as to who is to blame for the show hitting the rocks and luckily for Cowell, Christopher Maloney will be lost at sea and unable to testify.

Cowell will say sorry to the public for losing their trust (again) and he will pray that they believe him again. But one thing is for certain; this is one captain who won’t go down with his ship. Follow @stevebrookie

See Steve Wednesday 28th November at The St James Theatre Studio Booking: 0844 264 2140

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