Stamford Bridge

A humorous guide to the coming weekend’s matches against Norwich, West Bromwich Albion and Wolves

My Premier League predictions column dedicated solely to our top-flight London clubs is back. This week, Tottenham fans are compared to 'Comical Ali' and is the Norwich vs QPR game as exciting as El Clsico? In a word, no.

I also make something of Chelsea's form, which is great news if you play the lottery.

So, heres what almost certainly wont happen this weekend.

Chelsea vs Wolves

A lot of people having been asking the question recently, 'what do you make of Chelsea's recent form?', so for the past few days Ive been trying to make something of this: LWLDWLL.

Initially I plumped for a graphical interpretation, rearranging all the Ls on a piece of paper and making something that looked like a misshaped wigwam. Its probably quite an apt metaphor, but sadly not a very useful one.

That being the case, I have decided to make something else of this particular collection of letters tonights winning* lottery numbers.

The form guide represents the following numbers, 0301300, which gives us our first four Euromillions digits 03, 30, 01, 13. However, we need one more. Let's go with the total number of points Chelsea have won in those last seven games, which is a meagre seven.

Finally, the only numbers represented by Chelsea's form between 1-10 are 01 and 03, so those are your lucky stars.

Here are those numbers again, this time in numerical order: 01, 03, 07, 13, 30 01, 03

So, thats what I make of Chelsea's recent form. Is it useful? Well, probably not, but put it this way, The Blues are a fair few million times more likely of beating Wolves than you are of winning the lottery.

Verdict: 2-0

*If I have indeed selected the winning lottery numbers, then it was completely out of luck. I cannot see into the future, however awesome it would be.

Norwich vs QPR

The best thing about this one is that it follows the televised Stoke vs Blackburn game, which is possibly the most unattractive way Sky have ever chosen to start a weekend.

Following that slug-fest, this fixture will look like El Clsico.

Well, for about five minutes. After which youll realise youre simply watching an isolated Steve Morison chasing long punts from the boot of John Ruddy.

Verdict: 1-2

West Brom vs Tottenham

Tottenham fans share a very unique trait with Former Iraqi Information Minister Comical Ali the man who insisted that everything was just fine despite being surrounded by tanks.

It is the trait of maintaining the same uniformed outlook, no matter the circumstance.

How do I know this? Ask any Spurs fan how they think their team will do against West Brom tomorrow, and I promise you they'll say something along the lines of 'we'll probably lose and throw it all away. Id take a point'.

This is the way it has always been for Spurs fans. The team build you up to knock you down, so you may as well just always expect the worst. In the past this frail confidence has eventually reached the players and, hey presto, the winning run ends.

Eight victories and one draw in the last nine shows a sterner display of character though, and - despite the presence of a few thousand fans refusing to believe that itll actually happen - I expect the run to continue tomorrow.

Verdict: 1-4

Arsenal vs Fulham

Robin Van Persie is available for selection.

Verdict: 3-0

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